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I didn't invent writing for the jugular. I merely subscribe to its newsletter. Long before me, writers threw convention to the wind and told us in no uncertain terms, through the characters they created, that they don't give so much as half an acorn whether we like them or not.

If you need to find the jugular, these 6 fictional characters can point you in the right direction (and then leave you in a crappy neighborhood).

1&2: John & Ella Robina, The Leisure Seeker, by Michael Zadoorian 

Proving you're never too old to get out of Detroit, octogenarians John and Ella Robina strap on an RV and ride west to Disneyland, against all medical and familial advice. Sure there's death approaching with every RPM, but then there's this line: “Why does the world have to destroy anything that doesn't fit in? We still can't figure out that this is the most important reason to love something.” 

 That's why we love Sean Connery

The Robinas don't give a damn because they have no reason to. And this is a surprisingly romantic tale that will inspire your middle finger in ways you can't yet imagine.

3: Hester Prynne, The Scarlet Letter, by Nathaniel Hawthorne.

Who doesn't love sluts? Even the Puritans made allowances for the occasional bit of ankle. And in a moment of monumental insight, they of the awesome Thanksgiving costume thought they'd teach town tart Hester Prynne a lesson in shame by strapping her into something black, emblazoned with a big red A.

 Puritans rock!

Hester's response? 'Biteth me!' Hester is so defiantly proud of her A (and the T on which she wears it) that she actually changes Puritan women's attitudes toward her and her reckless ankles. That's like convincing Tony Danza not to punch you out at the airport.

Aww. he's so sweet!

Seriously, don't tell him I said that.

4: Jo, Little Women, by Louisa May Alcott.

Who doesn't love teenage girls? Especially the ones who set their clothes on fire?

 That's just good stuff

Josephine March Bhaer is so tomboyish, people actually call her by a boy's name, Jo. And yeah, that's the Victorian Era's way of "suggesting" something about Jo, but, really, Jo's boyishness is the highest form of Victorian-Era rebellion. Young ladies were supposed to be young ladies, all frilly and genteel and valuable only as much as they appealed to creepy old men who liked hang out with teenage girls.

Thank God THAT doesn't happen anymore

Jo defies every form of convention, life gently kicks the shit out of her, and she manages to become a little woman.

 Just don't screw around with her sister

5: Adam, Godflesh, by Brian Hodge 

OK, so you have to be at least 18 (and in some states 21) to read anything past the first paragraph in this short story, but since Brian Hodge wrote it, it's worth wishing your youth away to get to the point where you can dive in with a rubber suit and a can of disinfectant.

This story of Ellen, quixotic bookstore worker by day/Sasha Grey by night, introduces a seductively repulsive Adam, who convinces Ellen that it's a totally awesome idea to trade a little of herself for the promise of ever-greater … relief. When Ellen finds Adam, he's legless, in his wheelchair, in an alley, doing his best Pee-Wee Herman, without a care in the world. And then shit gets kinky.

Now, remember – I'm not here to tell you what you'll like. I'm here to tell you who doesn't give a flying expletive what you'd think of them. And Adam makes Brian Kinney look like an attention-starved whore.

Oh wait, he is ...

But you get the point.

6: Victor Frankenstein, Frankenstein, by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley.

Kids love to stitch people together.

 See?

We all have Victor Frankenstein, the original mad scientist, to thank. Victor doesn't just not care what you and I think, he doesn't care what God thinks! And in his pursuit of mad scientistry, Victor Frankenstein creates life! And then does what any red-blooded man would do – he ignores the consequences. But who cares, right? All he was trying to do was build a man, not be all "Daddy" up in his castle.

Me? I'm looking for the mad scientist who can squeeze into this:

Write for the Jugular, folks.

Want more out of WriteHook? Try:

Stop Being Afraid of Your Writing

5&5: 10 Short Pieces You Really Need To Read

Bad Mojo, Part 2: Unsung Villains In Fiction