Entries in you suck (1)
Tired of those irritating accolades for your writing? You know, those annoying "nice job" cracks editors send out with your acceptance letters? Stunning that such a thing continues, day after day, when perfectly good rejection awaits.
Now, you know I'm telling the truth because a secret like this could make me rich. After all, if people didn't like being rejected, why do they hang out in singles bars? Don't worry, camper. Follow these rules and you're sure to live every writer's dream -- rejection slip wallpaper.
- Use excessively long quotes with no attribution in sight. When writing a feature story, be sure to quote someone at length -- five, six sentences at least -- before getting to the attribution. No need to go for the grammatically correct, editor-friendly stuff and attribute at the end of the first complete thought. Showoff writers looking to get paid always pull out the attribution at the end of the first sentence thing. Don't be that way.
- Use every verb except 'said.' Why stick with the same old verb that every good writer uses all the time when there is a smorgasbord of words with which to punch up your story? Characters can recall, claim, announce, aver, explain, request ... the list goes on. Make sure yours does too.
- Use quote marks liberally. Readers are stupid. Completely unable to "know what you mean" unless you call "attention" to things. Make sure to put "quote marks" around all common expressions just "so" people won't get confused by having to "think."
- Insult the reader's mathematical acumen. I was reading a book the other day when out of nowhere, Bam! The word "five." I called everybody I know to learn what it meant, but they were as stymied as I. Then I got an email from a nice gentleman in Botswana who wants me to arrange a bank transaction with him. His query cleared things up by letting me know that I would get "five (5)" percent of his fortune if I helped him. Now I know what five means. It means 5. And I can retire early once he wires the cash to my bank account.
- Use Awesome, Award-Winning Adjectives. Whenever you describe something, make sure to say how considerably amazing the intensely fantastic object in question is. Readers never get the point unless you qualify absolutely everything.